Holidays Leaving You Stressed and Pressed? You May Be Enmeshed
by: Carolyn Moriarty, LCPC
You’ve probably heard the term “boundaries” used in conversations about relationship dynamics. Boundaries are essential for clarifying what is yours to manage and what belongs to someone else. It is helpful to think of them as a way to teach others how you want to be treated—not as rules to control their behavior but as commitments to how you will act to protect your emotional and physical well-being.
Boundaries help establish clear lines in relationships. Enmeshment, on the other hand, blurs those lines. While it’s natural to care deeply about your family, enmeshment can make it difficult to distinguish between offering support and losing yourself in someone else’s needs or emotions.
In this blog, we’ll dive into what enmeshment is, how it tends to surface during the holidays, and how you can recognize when it’s happening. We’ll also explore practical strategies to mitigate enmeshment and build healthier, more effective boundaries.
What is Enmeshment?
If you’ve ever felt like a family member’s feelings are your responsibility, or noticed that your choices are influenced by what others in your family expect rather than what you truly want, you might be experiencing enmeshment.
While it often stems from good intentions—like wanting to stay close or protect loved ones—enmeshment can lead to a lack of autonomy and difficulty forming healthy relationships outside the family.
Here are some common signs of enmeshment:
Difficulty distinguishing your feelings, needs, or desires from those of family members.
Feeling overly responsible for the emotions or well-being of others.
Difficulty making decisions independently without seeking family approval.
Feeling a sense of guilt or betrayal for prioritizing your own needs.
Pressure to conform to family expectations, even at the expense of your individuality.
Little to no sense of privacy or respect for personal space within the family.
Avoiding conflict or difficult conversations to maintain family harmony.
Why Does It Show Up More During the Holidays?
Signs of enmeshment can become particularly noticeable during the holidays. The holidays often increase pressure to meet family expectations, making it harder to establish boundaries. With the emphasis on togetherness, emotional dynamics can become more intense and noticeable.
For example:
Guilt and Obligation: Do you feel pressure to attend every family event, even when you’d prefer not to? Enmeshment may creep in when you feel obligated to “go along” with family plans, even if they don’t align with your needs.
Over-responsibility for Others’ Feelings: Do you find yourself walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting someone? Having poor boundaries is likely to leave you feeling emotionally drained after family interactions, especially when one person’s mood influences the entire atmosphere for everyone in the room.
Lack of Autonomy: Do your decisions about gifts, travel plans, or even what to eat depend on what others might think? Enmeshment can create a fear of disappointing others, making prioritizing yourself feel impossible.
How to Navigate Enmeshment During the Holidays
If this sounds familiar, it doesn’t mean your family is inherently toxic—it just means there’s room to recalibrate those dynamics. Navigating enmeshment during the holidays with family requires setting and communicating clear boundaries across different areas of your life.Boundaries can be physical, emotional, intellectual, time-related, or financial, and they may look different in each area. For instance, you might feel comfortable with physical affection from family but prefer personal space from strangers, or be more sensitive to emotional sharing with certain relatives.
To manage enmeshment, it’s important to assertively communicate your boundaries:
Physical Boundaries: This could involve needing personal space or setting limits on physical touch.
Emotional Boundaries: Protect your emotional energy by limiting emotional sharing with those who don’t respond well.
Intellectual Boundaries: Foster mutual respect for ideas and opinions. Limit sharing if you are made to feel shamed, dismissed or criticized.
Time Boundaries: Know when to say “no” to extra obligations and avoid overcommitting yourself.
Financial Boundaries: Set limits on your money, prioritizing your own needs and saying “no” to unhealthy financial requests.
Simply telling others how you want to be treated isn’t always enough; you must also teach them the consequences of violating your boundaries by following through with actions.
For example:
Let’s say a family member tends to unload their frustrations on you during family gatherings, making you feel overwhelmed or emotionally drained. To set a healthy boundary, you could say something like:
“I can tell you’re upset, and I want to be supportive, but I’m feeling a little overwhelmed and honestly don’t really know what to say right now. Is it okay if we talk about something else?”
Taking this “it’s not you, it’s me” approach will allow you to protect your emotional well-being without creating tension or risking an argument. If the conversation continues to push your limits, you can follow through by politely excusing yourself or changing the topic yourself.
Key Takeaway
The holidays can be a wonderful time to connect with family, but they don’t have to come at the cost of your well-being. By recognizing enmeshment and setting healthy boundaries, you can foster relationships that feel balanced and fulfilling.
Remember: prioritizing your needs isn’t selfish—it’s an essential part of maintaining strong, loving connections.
Seeking Mental Health Support
If weak interpersonal boundaries has left you feeling emotionally drained and anxious, it may be time to speak with a professional. Scheduling an appointment with Chicago Counseling Center may be the first step in making your mental health a priority in the new year.